So this very bald guy comes up to me by the frozen aisle at Whole foods, points at Emma and Olivia sitting next to each other in the cart and says. “Are they twins?”
For those of you who have never seen my twin girls; let me give you a visual: They couldn’t be more identical; they have the exact same long hair, same blue eyes, same square face, same height, same same same. In other words; you are not far from seeing double when you look at them.
Da! I say (not out loud (I hope)) and give him a somewhat weird smile. “Ehhh, yes.”
What I should have said was; “What do you think? Let me give you a hint: They look like Thing one and Thing two, they were born really really close to each other, like two minutes apart, at the same hospital in the same OR. What do you think?”
Then after we get that sorted out, it gets even worse – or should I say rude – with his next comment: “You know what’s so scary?”
“No,” I say – almost adding ‘that you are still here asking silly questions?’
“My wife is pregnant,” baldy continues, “and we just had an ultrasound the other day and, holy shit, for a moment there we thought we were having twins. But thank God, we are not. That sure would have been the end to our marriage, no offense,” he says looking at my identical off springs.
Again I give him the weird smile not knowing what to say, but what I really want to say this time is that I think he looks way too old for having a child in the first place, but I don’t cause my girls are watching me and I want my kids to grow up and be nice to OLD PEOPLE.
I’m not saying it isn’t fun to make bad jokes and make fun of people behind their backs, hell it is. But it’s not the same as passing a woman on the street with a really bad haircut and say, ‘hey I almost went for a cut like yours, but boy, I’m happy my hairdresser talked me out of it. It sure sucks.’
Or whispering to the guy standing in front of you at the store – with his wife next to him; “I really feel for you, man. I mean; having to wake up looking at that ugly face every single morning. Bummer.”
So, next time Mr. Penis Head comes around saying rude things about me and my family, I’ll tell him what I was told growing up: If you don’t have anything nice to say to people then don’t – or even better; lie and smile. That’s what I always try to do every time I bump into some weirdo in the frozen aisle.